Dear Sahaj: My mother-in-law, “Sally,” recently moved into an independent living facility in our hometown. My husband’s four siblings live several hours away and are not remotely helpful. All of her children have a good deal of resentment toward Sally based on the way she compared them to and pitted them against each other throughout their lives and the demands and expectations she has of them with respect to their treatment of her. So it is no surprise that none of them value their relationship with her.
Column by Sahaj Kaur Kohli
Of course, my husband has been bearing the brunt of her “care” given geography, and it is wearing on him. He is increasingly frustrated with her — even the mention of her name raises his blood pressure. I want to help and did so in the first year or two that she was here, but often that would result in more frustration on his part. He felt guilty for my having to help, and Sally would often become angry that she was seeing me and not her son. She has also fabricated arguments with me on a few occasions — I think so she can force my husband into being the only one to spend time with her.
It has become an untenable situation; I want to help, but it seems to make it worse when I do. I also want my husband to be able to be with his mom without experiencing so much frustration and anger. I know therapy could help, but he is not interested in further adding to the time he spends on “mom” issues.
— Ticking Time Bomb
Ticking Time Bomb: I sense that your primary frustration is with how little you’re able to help or ease the situation for your husband. And while you can’t do the work for your husband, you can, instead, separate what is yours to do while urging him to take care of himself.
