Chitchatting about the weather or exchanging niceties may feel superficial and like a waste of time. But if done right, small talk might help you with your career.
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“Big things happen in small talk,” said Matt Abrahams, who teaches strategic communication at the Stanford Graduate School of Business. “It’s the way we connect and learn about ourselves and others and how to collaborate with people.”
But small talk can feel awkward, and we can all use some help. Follow these expert tips.
Reframe your thinking
Change how you think about small talk. Instead of giving in to your nerves and doubts, give yourself the chance to interact.
“Social interaction creates anxiety in all of us,” said Nicholas Epley, a professor of behavioral science at the University of Chicago’s Booth School of Business. “You just can’t see it in others … so you think you feel it more.”
We often overestimate our awkwardness and assume others are judging us, said Jessica Methot, an associate professor at Rutgers University who has researched the effects of small talk. But everyone is busy worrying about how they’re perceived, Epley and Methot said. The benefits of small talk are worth it.
“Even introverts felt more connected to others and more energized,” Methot said.
Start with easy targets
Start with your trusted circles. Spark a quick-passing conversation with friends and family, or even that lady you see at the dog park, experts said.
Once you’re comfortable, extend that to your close teammates, said Dom Price, a leader at the software company Atlassian who explores the future of work. Look for opportunities to have small talk at work, Epley said. Ask if you can join someone sitting alone at lunch or say hi to people on your way to the break room to open the door for conversation. The more you do it, the easier it will become.
Make yourself a target by adding personal details in your company profiles, Price said. Your description in Slack could include hobbies to encourage others to connect.
Consider professional development social clubs or career coaching, said Allison Gabriel, a professor at the Mitch Daniels School of Business at Purdue University and the faculty director of the school’s Center for Working Well.
“There’s a fleet of people around to help,” she said.
Don’t panic
Relax and be yourself. Try to enjoy it.
If you struggle with anxiety, take a few deep belly breaths to calm the nerves or carry a cold glass of water to keep yourself from perspiring, Abrahams said. It’s easy to overthink it, said Gabriel, but keep it light. Think about generic, open-ended questions such as, “What are your weekend plans?”
Set a goal for the conversation to ease your nerves. For example, at a networking event, you could seek out small bits of information that might help you do your job better. Use the power of paraphrasing to enter a conversation already in progress.
Focus on others
Be curious, authentic and empathetic. Actively take an interest in learning something, however small, about the other person. This helps build a connection that could lead to bigger conversations or deeper relationships.
Small talk is a two-way street, so if someone asks you a question or tells you something, follow up. You can reverse the question (I’m doing well. What about yourself?) or express interest by saying, “Tell me more about that,” Abrahams said.
Start with an observation or compliment, Epley said. Focusing on another person instead of yourself helps dial down anxiety. You can also mention something relatable about yourself like a sports game or TV show you saw, Price said.
“Once you do that, you realize that people have things to tell you, you have things to learn from them, and they’re interesting,” he said.
Watch what you say and do
Small talk is meant to be quick and pleasant, so don’t get too heavy or spicy.
Stay away from strong, polarizing opinions or controversial topics, experts say. And try not to be judgy.
“When someone says they love ‘Sex and the City,’ don’t roll your eyes,” Price said. “Embrace it.”
Avoid unloading. If you’re not sure how much to divulge, give the other person the option to choose whether to dive in or move on, Gabriel said. For example, you can say, “It’s been an interesting day.”
Limit or balance negative or critical comments, Price said. “Don’t allow it to devolve into gossip or venting,” Methot said.
Watch your nonverbal cues. Keep your stance open and nod your head to show interest, Abrahams said. Don’t scroll on your phone, Price said. Make room for others to join, and invite them in if you see them lingering.
To gracefully exit, you can set the stage beforehand by saying you have something to tend to in a few minutes before starting, Gabriel said. Think “brief and fleeting,” Gabriel said.
Connect virtually
In-person small talk reigns supreme, as emotional connections, energy transfer, nonverbal cues and the sense of presence are stronger, experts say. But virtual small talk is better than none.
Join or create, if your company allows, social channels on your company’s communication platforms, experts said. That will allow you and your fellow cat-loving colleagues to casually connect. Start meetings early or begin each meeting with a few minutes of small talk to boost people’s sense of belonging, experts said. But don’t make it mandatory or schedule extra Zooms for small talk, Methot said.
If you spend a lot of time working alone, regularly check in with colleagues. Also ask yourself if you’re feeling particularly disconnected.
“The easiest thing to do is not talk to someone else when we’re overwhelmed,” Methot said. “But that’s much more depleting than taking a break, talking to someone and going back feeling re-energized.”
