Reader: I have been working for many years with an enthusiastic, hardworking colleague who has one major flaw: He’s an incessant talker. He’ll dominate any conversation with his own stories, often interrupting discussions he’s not involved in. Getting him to listen quietly is a constant struggle. Our boss has tried to talk with him about these issues, but at this point she feels she has done all she can do. This is almost certainly a case of undiagnosed, or at least untreated, attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder. He’s a sweet person, but being honest with him will most likely come across as hurtful. Advice, please!
Column by Karla L. Miller
Karla: Honest feedback may be painful, but it doesn’t have to be hurtful. It would be far more hurtful to Chatty Charlie if colleagues started avoiding him or biting their tongues until they explode. I believe it’s possible, and kinder, to be honest about how someone’s behavior is affecting others, and to set expectations for change — ideally while you still have enough patience and respect for the person to allow for a learning curve.
Your boss is the ideal person to do that. She’s in the best position to make clear that his career and opportunities depend on changing his behavior. I don’t know how firm she has been with him, but I can understand why she seems to have given up. Applying disciplinary thresholds and quantifiable improvement metrics to “soft skills” like conversation can be tricky.
So what can you do, as a colleague with no authority? You can let him know how his behavior affects you, using the “when you X, I feel Y” framework.
That could go something like this: “I like you and enjoy working with you. So I want to let you know about something you do that affects our working relationship, and may be bothering other people, too. When we’re having conversations, and you interrupt or take over the discussion, I end up feeling sidetracked and disrespected. I’m sure that’s not your intention. Is there a way I can let you know when this is happening in the moment, without being hurtful or rude about it?”
If this is something he’s been called out on in his personal life as well, he may have some ideas about verbal or nonverbal cues that work for him.
If you’re uncomfortable making it about you, you can try intervening in the moment on behalf of those who are being talked over. “Hold that thought, Chuck — I wanted to hear the rest of what Gina was saying.” In more formal meetings, keeping a whiteboard “parking lot” or putting a literal or figurative pin in tangential ideas can keep the main conversation on track. Making time to revisit those parked/pinned ideas afterward would demonstrate how productive team conversations are supposed to work, and show him that patience will be rewarded.
Incidentally, if privately thinking of him as having an ADHD diagnosis helps shift your mental narrative from “Dude, shut up” to “He’s a good guy with poor impulse control” — go for it. But as I said in my last column, until a diagnosis officially becomes part of the conversation, it’s best to focus on specific behaviors and desired outcomes, instead of assuming you know the cause and the remedy.
I should add that these are mitigation measures, not cure-alls, and will probably require consistent reinforcement, regardless of whether his habits are acquired or hard-wired. But seeing him put in genuine effort to dial back his energy could reduce his “major flaw” to an annoying but tolerable quirk.
Granted, you don’t owe these efforts to someone you’re not close to. But assuming he truly is a sweet guy who just wants to be included, this honesty would be a kindness in the long run.
Ever dealt with a conversation hog at work? What helped? Let me know at karla.miller@washpost.com
