Last week, I responded to a worker whose colleague has a bad habit of dominating conversations and whose boss has given up on trying to rein him in. This week, I am sharing observations from readers on what has worked for them in these situations — including from the talkative workers themselves.
Column by Karla L. Miller
“As it turns out, I am a conversation hog,” said Christina Sarris, an assisted-living engagement coordinator (self-dubbed the Bingo Lady) from South Carolina. Although she didn’t mention having an official diagnosis herself, Sarris said she “self-identifies” as having attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder and struggles with “knowing when to hush.”
“I find it very difficult to concentrate on other people’s end of the conversation when it is activating so many ideas and stories in my own head,” Sarris said in an email. Still, she emphasized, “I desperately want to connect with others respectfully and appropriately so they feel comfortable.”
Before being diagnosed with ADHD, “I used to interact with others in a similar way, and I didn’t realize what I was doing until someone told me,” said an online commenter under the handle Lois Lane. “If someone hadn’t told me, kindly, but also explicitly, I would never have known and improvement would not have been possible.”
Of course, as other commenters noted, habitually talking over people can be a sign of something less benign, such as controlling tendencies or antisocial self-centeredness that the speaker has no intention of relinquishing. And it’s sometimes hard to tell what kind of overtalker you are dealing with. Someone who apologizes, owns the behavior and makes a visible effort to do better is probably worth granting some grace and consistent, patient reinforcement. Someone whose cluelessness borders on toxicity — who responds to feedback by lashing out, doubling down or plotting a vendetta — also needs consistent and firm reinforcement, ideally from someone in a position to impose consequences and prevent teammates from becoming targets.
Some online commenters offered their own road-tested suggestions for reining in overtalkers: cutting them off midsentence, staring them down in silence or laying a gentle hand on their arm (something my kid does when my car karaoke gets out of control). Suggested verbal techniques ranged from polite directness and humor to snappy rejoinders.
One urge I don’t recommend indulging is blurting out profanities or threats. While we have all fantasized about telling annoying motormouths to [stifle that flapping uvula], escalating the rudeness isn’t great for workplace camaraderie and can be devastating to well-meaning people with neurological differences such as anxiety, ADHD or autism. And it gives ammunition to toxic people who want to claim they are the ones being bullied.
Instead, readers with talkative tendencies said kind, direct feedback has been the most helpful in making them aware of the problem so they can work on improving their impulse control, which many have been able to do through conscious effort. When talking with her teammates at work, for example, Sarris said she now focuses on coming up with follow-up questions for the speaker to keep her mind on topic.
Several online commenters mentioned using egg timers or other devices in meetings to set consistent time limits on each speaker. One reported using a literal gong to keep a notoriously voluble presenter from going over time. (And if that reminds you as it does me of bell bottoms and Chuck Barris, you may be due for a bone density test.)
Success at reining in a chatterbox also depends on the workplace culture. A healthy environment that encourages respect and candor can make these conversations easier to have. Sarris said her small team, made up of “highly motivated and enthusiastic professionals” like her, is “generous in listening for a few minutes of hogging.” When someone needs to interrupt or concentrate, Sarris said, they are all comfortable raising their hands or asking for a silent pause.
An environment where people feel safe acknowledging their own challenges and flaws also stands a better chance of producing results. A manager who spoke on the condition of anonymity to protect his workers’ identities said people at his workplace generally “speak openly about challenges we’ve had in life.” Being able to admit their own foibles, instead of having to struggle to conceal them, allows everyone to lower their defenses.
That openness is especially helpful coming from management. The anonymous manager, who has ADHD and has found himself dominating conversations by accident on occasion, said his diagnosis helped when it came time to ask an impulsive talker on his team to reel it in a bit: “I came in leading with humility and not pretending to be perfect myself,” he said in an email.
As you might expect, when it’s time to clamp down on overtalking, it’s best not to waste time mincing words.
“Deal with it quickly … don’t let too much time lapse and don’t drag it out as a major conversation topic if you don’t have to,” the manager said. His recommended approach is to “name the pattern and ask for [the employee’s] help in how to solve the problem, rather than going in with a plan to tell them what they need to fix.”
Finally, he counseled against enforcing black-and-white rules or maintaining strict control over his team. Instead, he tries to “lead with a goal of the atmosphere we’re going toward,” one that gives everyone a chance to be heard.
Reader Query: How’s your post-Labor Day work transition? Do you have a bit of “new school year” excitement, or does it just feel like more of the same with extra traffic? Did you even get a summer break? Tell me about it at karla.miller@washpost.com.
